annaofaza:

“God, I’m fucking knackered,” Eggsy groans. His right leg’s falling asleep on him, but he doesn’t want to shift in his chair. The Statesman’s medical team said that luckily for him, his ribs hadn’t been smashed to bits and his concussion wasn’t too serious. Lucky him, yeah, but if it weren’t for the meeting, he’d be having a lie-down right now. “Who the fuck knew Charlie was going to have a fucking mechanical arm? Fucking mission went pear-shaped.”

“Aye,” Merlin sighs. “Glaikit bastard. Should have amnesia darted him when he left, put him on surveillance—”

“We couldn’t have, though,” Eggsy points out, “not with Chester around. And are you saying you don’t watch the candidates who—” he cuts himself off, remembering that the other Statesman agents are also in the room, looking at them curiously. Kingsman may be no more, but he’s still got to act like it’ll come back. “…who are like that?” 

Merlin shakes his head. “No. And perhaps we need to look into that.” 

“Mental,” Eggsy groans, closing his eyes. He might not have had anything to do with the administrative side of Kingsman, but that doesn’t mean that not keeping an eye on the candidates who failed the fucking loyalty test is a sort of shite idea “Absolutely fucking mental.” 

There’s a loud cough from the seat on Eggsy’s left. “Yeah, guys, I have no fucking clue what you’ve been saying,” Tequila drawls, boots on the table.

Eggsy sees Ginger gives him a reproving look, much like Merlin’s, and with a wink, Tequila slides his feet onto the floor, catching Eggsy’s eye in order to shoot a grin his way.  

“We know Charlie Hesketh from before,” Merlin says. “He was one of our recruits—”

“No, no, not that, I gathered that,” Tequila says, waving his hand. “But all those…slang words.” 

Keep reading

notbrogues:

hisreindeerjumper:

Summary: Merlin FaceTimes Eggsy in Kentucky.

Notes: For my wonderful enabler, @notbrogues❤ Might end up on Ao3 later 🙂

Merlin knew it was early, but he really didn’t care.

He methodically watched the phone screen curled in his hand, the ellipses synching up with each ring as he tried to FaceTime Eggsy. Eggsy’s little jaunt in Kentucky was starting to grate on his nerves, and he needed his agent back in London as soon as possible for an upcoming mission. Eggsy, of course, had avoided and dodged all of the emails that he had sent him, only responded to his texts with emojis, and sent every phone call straight to voicemail.

Just as he was about to give up hope, he saw “Connecting” in the top right corner of his screen. Suddenly, Eggsy’s sleep scrunched face was staring back at him, his hair mussed and sticking up at odd angles. The only source of light seemed to be coming from Eggsy’s phone screen–Merlin checked his watch and saw that it was 10:00 in London, meaning it was around 5AM in Kentucky. Perfect.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Merlin said, letting a smirk play across his mouth.

“I swear to fuck, Merlin, the world better be on fire right now for you to be calling me this early.” He watched Eggsy run a hand down his face, blinking rapidly as his eyes continued to adjust to the brightness of the screen.

“I can assure you that it isn’t. But let this be a lesson to you the next time you decide to ignore all of my phone calls, texts, and emails.” Merlin took a steadying sip of tea before placing his “LET’S GET KRAKEN!” mug back on the desk. “You need to report back to headquarters within the next 24 hours for a mission, Galahad. And so help me, if I have to come to Kentucky and drag you back myself, this five AM phone call will be the least of your problems.”

“Why couldn’t this have waited until, oh, I don’t know, two hours from now?”

“Because, Galahad, unlike you, some of us understand the weight of responsibility and aren’t off galavanting with our handsome cowboy boyfriends in the middle-of-nowhere-USA.”

Suddenly, Merlin heard a rustling next to Eggsy before Tequila’s face filled the screen.

“Ham, my man! I could fucking murder you for waking us up this early, but you called me handsome so I’ll let it slide!”

Merlin groaned, rolling his eyes as he dropped his forehead into his free hand. “Good morning, Tequila. I hope you heard my instructions to Eggsy. I expect you to keep him on track and get him to the airport.”

“Of course, Hammy! Just as soon as I get a proper goodbye.”

“I swear on all that is holy, if you call me ‘Hammy’ one more time…”

“Don’t the Scottish have a better sense of humor than the one you have?”

Merlin deadpanned into the camera, regretting his decision to FaceTime Eggsy instead of just going to Kentucky and grabbing the lad himself.

“Then again, Shrek was a bit of a wet blanket…poor Donkey. No one ever got his jokes.” Tequila actually looked saddened by this thought, which made Merlin even angrier.

Merlin now set his jaw, willing the urge to murder away. “You have four hours, Eggsy, so get your sorry arse out of bed and get moving.”

The screen jolted back to where Eggsy lay, that infuriatingly cute, if not awkward downturn of his mouth filling up half of Merlin’s screen. “Jeez, bruv, wake up on the wrong side of the cave? Fine, I’ll get moving.” He saw Eggsy attempt to get up, only to be dragged back down by what Merlin could only assume was Tequila’s broad, muscular arm. Eggsy was now chuckling to himself as Tequila pressed his face against the crook of Eggsy’s neck.

Merlin was not chuckling.

“You’re both disgusting.”

“Hey now, Ham, I haven’t had my goodbye yet. I told you I’d get on it as soon as I get my goodbye kiss.” He rolled his gaze up to the camera and winked at Merlin.

“Eggsy, I’ve decided that your next mission is going to be to Siberia for telling all of Statesmen that my name is Hamish.”

“Ham-ish,” Tequila responded, pronouncing the first part as if it were a deli meat. “Ham and Eggs, best team around.” He grinned, his dimple infuriatingly attractive, and then pressed his lips to Eggsy’s cheek. Eggsy scrunched his face in embarrassment, the smallest of smiles playing on his lips.

“Sorry, Merlin,” Eggsy murmured, giving the camera an innocent grin.

“Did Eggsy tell you about what we bought this past weekend?” Tequila’s face was once again taking up the screen, and Merlin was half tempted to lay it face-down on the desktop.

“No, he didn’t. He’s been avoiding me, which I know you heard at the beginning of our conversation.”

“Ah, true. Awfully rude of you, Eggs. Anyway, we bought a pot bellied pig! Cutest little guy I’ve ever seen. Named him Merlin.”

Merlin choked on the sip of tea he had taken, heatedly watching Tequila’s smarmy grin as he laughed into the camera.

“Fuck you both. You’re the worst thing to ever happen to my blood pressure.” With that, Merlin hung up the call, their cackling cut off. He wasn’t even worried that he gave them exactly what they wanted.

That ending is seriously the most Merlin reaction. And I don’t want anyone else to write Tequila because I can never imagine him as anyone else after you’ve written him. I want to hug this fic. Bless you, my darling, you always make my day ❤