I love Alexander the Great because if he was a fictional character you would yell “THAT’S JUST NOT REALISTIC WTF MAN YOU CAN’T WIN A BATTLE AFTER BEING ATTACKED FROM BEHIND AND HAVE TO WHEEL YOUR WHOLE FUCKIN ARMY AND FIGHT YOUR WAY ACROSS A RIVER AND UPHILL AGAINST A LARGER ARMY"
But
“Look conquering an island by making it not an island any more is ridiculous that’s never going to be believable.”
But
He just fuckin did that shit.
I actually got the inspiration for the protagonist of Lady of Ice and Iron from him, and when/if it’s ever published and people inevitably yell “YOUR PROTAGONIST IS JUST NOT REALISTIC” I’m just going to make unblinking eye contact while folding a printout of Alexander’s troop movements at Gaugamela into a paper airplane and then lob it at their face.
And if they give me shit for her being queer, I’m going to print out historical accounts of Alexander’s lover Hephaestion, tape them to Nerf darts, and shoot them at people.
Wait he un-islanded an island?
Tyre is now an isthmus. Before Alexander, it was an island.
He offered to let them surrender peacefully. They told him to get fucked, secure in their place on a fucking island in a fortified city.
“Fine.” Said Alexander, cracking his knuckles. “Get me my engineers, we’re building the land out to this island.”
“Holy shit”, his generals presumably said. “Holy fuckin shit, man.”
And so, at Alexander’s command, his engineers constructed a causeway to connect the island of Tyre to the mainland. It took eight months. Tyre hurled everything they could against the workers, so Alexander rolled siege engines out there to protect them.
Anyway, long story short, the causeway was completed, Tyre fell and was burned and sacked (unusually, as Alexander normally did not allow his army to pillage and plunder and destroy, but he was, apparently, mega peeved).
And the causeway stands to this day. Tyre remains an isthmus.
[Further proof to verify you guys’ info]
Ancient History Encyclopedia says:
“
Negotiations having failed, Alexander began his operations in January 332 BCE. After occupying old Tyre, he began to construct a causeway (or mole) across the channel toward the walls of Tyre, using rocks, timbers, and rubble taken from the buildings of the old city. Initially, work progressed well: the water near the mainland was shallow and the bottom muddy, but, as the causeway lengthened, the Macedonians and Greeks began to run into trouble. The seafloor shelved sharply near the city, to a depth of 18 ft (5.5m). Work slowed to snail-pace, and the work gangs found themselves increasingly harassed by missile fire from the city walls.
Alexander constructed two siege towers from timber covered with rawhide and positioned them at the end of the causeway. Artillery engines at the top of these towers were able to return fire at the walls, and the work gangs erected timber palisades as an added measure of protection. Work proceeded, and Alexander spent much of his time on the mole, dispensing small gifts of money to his sweating labourers and leading by personal example.”
Fun fact: According to Greek legend there was a famous prostitute who managed to avoid a death sentence by showing the judges her boobs and arguing that it would be a crime against the Gods to destroy something so beautiful.
Before you ask, yes there are paintings of this. And yes, they’re amazing.
No, but this is one of my absolute favorite bits of history!
The courtesan named was named Phryne and she was indeed a renowned beauty, and was indeed was put on trial for a capital crime. And yes, the sum of her defense consisted of her stripping in court (helped by her lover/defendant) and asking the jury (all males) if they were prepared to destroy this.
But this is actually a very interesting case of Values Dissonance – the capital crime she was accused of was blasphemy. In Ancient Greek society, exceptional beauty was a sign of favor from the gods, and they took the idea that beauty indicated goodness with great seriousness. They even called their nobles Kaloi k’Agathoi, “the Beautiful and the Good.”
So by showing off her great physical beauty, Phryne was being very clever indeed, her argument essentially being “How could I possibly commit blasphemy if the gods have given me this body?“
FantasyBoudicca 